july notice
monthly theme: [process]
In my younger years (so like yesterday), my process of emotional healing was a mysterious journey that only made sense once I got to “the other side” (or deeper into the spiral of life if you prefer non-dualistic lingo like I do). I’d look up one day and notice that I’d gone from crisis to coping without knowing quite what had happened in between. Only after the fact would I gain some retrospective wisdom on my process of resistance, grief, and eventually acceptance.. It was like doing a case study on my own personal growth.
I’m not here to demonize this method of getting through turmoil without present-awareness, but it does seem inefficient. Once I began noticing the steps of my own healing process, compassion and patience flowed more readily, and I was able to remain present in my current season, mindful of the next step, yet detached from any idea of urgency.
Knowing which tools you have and when you usually reach for them seems like such a simple and subconscious process, but when you shed light onto it, gaining intimate knowledge of yourself, more tools (and breathing room) reveal themselves to you. Tumultuous times lose their once-loud message of, “this is the end of the world,” so you can hear yourself respond to the more potent questions of, “what can I do in this moment?” and, “what do I actually need?”
Presence is powerful. It creates more time and awareness while shrinking stress. Serenity streams from a place of awareness where our problems begin and our control ends. It’s not hopelessness, it’s acceptance--clarity. To be present is to notice what’s going on inside and outside of us. To know what we’ve tried in the past, how it worked out, and what tools we told ourselves to try the next time.
Tools/processes eventually need sharpening, upgrading, or even complete replacements because the situation is so novel that it requires an approach that’s brand-spankin-new. We don’t just land on one process that works for everything we will ever encounter in the future. Covid-19 asked us to find and create new ways of living and understanding that hadn’t existed before--hadn’t even been imagined until they were necessary for our survival.
New problems require new solutions. But it’s hard to create new solutions when we’re unaware of how we built up our current ones. Take this week to notice your emotional processing of situations (Covid-19 is a good retrospective to take). How do the steps of your emotional processing become the actions you take in integrating and coping with new hurdles that arise? Can you map it out, giving archetypical containers to the steps you need to get from point A to point B?
Personally, my processing has gone:
REACT! - usually anger or confusion masked by anger
Pause - either consciously and mindfully or numbly out of pure shock
Begin to understand - the good stuff. Nibbling on the full weight of what is right in front of me piece by piece.
Cope - quick fixes that keep my head above water while I sift through the details and follow the breadcrumbs of emotions
Acceptance (pt. 1) - by now, I have a logical understanding of what should make the most painless processing method, but it ain’t over yet… and I always forget that knowing is not exactly the same as doing (or having done)
Suffer - aaaand on the other side of the first round of acceptance is a deeper round of pain (usually linked to childhood wounds that I naively thought had been dealt with in full)
Wild card - this is usually a time of repeating one of the earlier phases either out of necessity or resistance
Acceptance (pt. 2) - following the trails of shadow selves as far as I need until I understand and accept that I’ve done my best and will continue to grieve and process as life flows on
The 4 weekly themes for Year of Healing (intention, notice, work, forgive) are the idealized, streamlined process listed above. But I know it can be hard to set an intention when being caught off guard by the current life experience. Groceries, chores, and bills don’t give a damn about your relationship with control (or isolation or shock or tension) when confronting the stress of a tree falling on your car ~ which I have experienced.
The more self-awareness we build around our reactions, coping mechanisms, and journey towards acceptance, the more patience and compassion we can give ourselves while dealing with a crisis (or just a lil’ boat-rocking). Shame shoots this self-awareness in the foot, stopping the whole process in its tracks. If there’s a “should” in self-talk about our emotional reactions, we get wrapped up in false narratives, rather than what our emotions and our lives are actually asking of us in the present moment.
Saying, “I shouldn’t be upset about this anymore,” is a trigger for the following emotional process:
Shame
Shutting down
Bottling up
Life
More life
Wondering why you feel this way or reacting in ways you wish you hadn’t (i.e. popping the top on that bottled up emotion)
Sure, this is a process that is available to you--and if you actively choose to implement these steps, that is your prerogative. But even if it’s all you’ve done because it’s all you’ve seen modeled as emotional behavior in your family of origin, it’s not the only way.
You don’t have to overhaul any process overnight--I don’t even think that’s possible. But beginning with intention to love yourself through it all and noticing where you usually go emotionally (what processes are most readily available for you) lays the groundwork to do whatever inner-work that you choose to do in upgrading your emotional processing tools.
So look back on a tough time in your life, a time that you weren’t sure you could get out of but have now found yourself on the other side. Can you notice the steps you took to be “okay”? Maybe you even discover a gap in your processing of the situation. There’s no timeline on healing and unpacking your feelings now can be just as transformative. Whatever it is that you do, just take note. No need to change or berate yourself ~ there’s plenty of time for that next week ;)