july forgiveness
monthly theme: [process]
I used to think the process of healing happened and that was it; you’re healed! Unfortunately, there’s no certificate for handling whatever life throws your way, nothing to show yourself or others that you got through it. It’s always an ongoing process, we don’t just stop relating to the world through our experiences. Whatever happened to you will influence how you see the world and therefore how you process new events in the future.
It unfortunately (and also, thankfully) never ends--you get to keep exploring the world and understanding who you are and how you react. You are not fixed in your habits and patterns. The process of processing your emotions is proof that change is the only constant.
Of course we can get stuck in ruts and feel as if we’re back-peddling, emotionally reacting in regressive ways we thought we’d grown out of. These are not situations to be ashamed of--they’re not markers of your worthiness or lack thereof. It’s just simply your reaction, another chance to learn more about yourself and how you process what goes on around you. This is where forgiveness is so important.
Forgiveness requires compassion, patience, and the belief that there will be change in the future. These gifts can be hard to give yourself in the midst of a mistake or an unhelpful emotional reaction. But keeping forgiveness as part of your process helps you remain hopeful that change is possible and gives you space to try something different the next time. Our past (re)actions do not determine what we will do in the future, but we can learn from them.
I think each step {intention, notice, work, forgive} of the process in this Year of Healing exists within it each of the other steps as well. There is an intention within forgiveness that we can be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to approach situations differently next time. We will then notice how our current reaction compares to our past reactions. And the work will be to give yourself the grace to try something new in the future. It’s all part of the cycle.
There is no acceptance without forgiveness. At least, I’ve yet to move on and fully accept the weight of my actions if I could not forgive myself for them. And I don’t mean wallow in self-pity. I mean see the big picture, my place in it, maybe cringe a little bit about it all, and then smile, giving my past self a hug and a kiss for taking the time to reflect and grapple with the weight of human existence.
Even when we circle towards accepting situations outside of our control, we must extend forgiveness for how we handled ourselves on the way to this proverbial finish line (s/o Elisabeth Kübler-Ross). It might not be a big to-do, forgiving yourself for the anger, resistance, or impatience along the way, but I think it’s still a very necessary step.
If we choose to deny ourselves of the self-reflection and compassion required for forgiveness, we rob ourselves of a vital piece of our story. Maybe this is why my identity seems to jump around--I’m still ashamed of how I’ve (re)acted in the past. Without forgiveness, I am just impatient with my past selves instead of understanding and proud of their growth.
Ouch! I wish I hadn’t just called myself out like that...now I have to spiral back into my own healing process and nurture the parts of myself that want to do/be better. I fear if I don’t do this work then I will feel as if my healing and good deeds are never really enough. Enough for what? Maybe for twitter trolls or just my own psyche...but without forgiveness, I am trapped in a shame spiral, defining myself as “bad” rather than my actions as “mistakes to learn from.”
As Brené Brown says, there are no bad people, only bad actions. I don’t even know how I feel about the idea of good and bad, but Mrs. Brown is right that the focus shouldn’t be on our identities, but rather seeing the reality of our actions in the vast timeline of our existence. Change is the only constant, and that includes our ability to grow, heal, and help others.