january: notice
monthly theme: [endurance]
When I was an athlete (so like in middle school), I was rather in-tune with my body. Any little ache or pull was noted and taken care of before it got worse. I was a rather intensely competitive child and would push myself to the point of nausea during workouts. I almost puked on many a soccer field, but even somehow mustered the willpower to hold it in… Which is all incredibly masochistic and concerning in retrospect.
I’m sure there’s some sort of pandemic metaphor in there, but otherwise it’s a strangely American story of intensity, commitment, and overall, endurance. There’s some larger narrative that pushed me to run 5ks every Sunday at noon on the bayou, it wasn’t just my own volition… it couldn’t have been, I was only like 14!
We’ve all become similarly exhausted and confused as to what’s the point behind such great efforts of precaution. It is beyond disheartening and bleeding fully into madness. Nothing the government says or does makes any fucking sense and I know for a fact none of my friends voted to be forgotten like this.
Everyone I know is at their wits end because there seems to be no logical thinking coming from authority figures who could actually help keep us safe from a still-deadly-or-at-least-debilitating virus. We’re masked, vaxxed, boosted, and distanced, so now what…?
I really don’t have an answer, but I can speculate that now would be a good time to look inside ourselves the way we did those first 2 weeks in the middle of March 2020. We definitely had more resources or at least some dream of hope back then, but the work continues…hence the unfortunate theme we’re working through this month.
More frustrations and questions arise than anything that feels helpful besides, once again, just keeping your head down, staying inside, and doing what you need to take care of yourself. I know how unhelpful it is to hear that again and again, especially considering that the government is telling us the same things without any structural help to keep us safe or pay rent. Such circumstances leave me feeling incredibly defeated and I know I’m not alone in that.
Personally, the only thing helping me to endure this bullshit this pandemic is working toward launching my End-of-Life doula business, imagining utopias with my partner, and commiserating about the state we’re in amongst my friends. That’s it. That’s all I have. Doom scrolling just sends anxious chemicals coursing through my veins, leaving my jaw locked and my brow furrowed. Sure, I also have a bunch of self-care rituals (i.e. journaling, baths, lighting candles, etc.) that keep me going, but those seem to be a sort of balm rather than actions intended to help me make meaning in our seemingly ever-drearying future.
It feels like there hasn’t been a lot of tangible hope in this country for a while now. Which ultimately isn’t true–feelings aren’t facts. But these feelings (and the realities causing them) have been so heavy and full of fog that it’s not only difficult to see the good changes happening in the world, but they also don’t seem like enough once we remember them. It feels like we’re in a 20 foot hole and someone just threw down a 10 foot rope.
There are a bunch of organizations and individuals helping people every single day, I just know that me and all my friends are almost too tired and too sad not only to acknowledge them but also to even think about joining in consistently and sustainably. And on top of all of that, the only “safe,” thing to do anyway is go to work. And we all know just how unsafe that is (no matter what the CDC keeps saying) especially if you’re a teacher, nurse, or service worker.
I think endurance will be even more personal than I thought it could be, so maybe some journal prompts/contemplation questions can help you keep your ball rolling:
What keeps your hope alive? Are you making enough time for these activities/people/places?
In what ways do you need to take care of yourself so that you can show up for the people in your personal life? Have you asked these loved ones to help you out recently? Try to connect intentionally and deeply with those who rejuvenate your spirit.
On a scale of 1-10 how tired are you of Covid, work, the government, etc. – list any and all aspects of your life that feel heavy right now (this could even include relationships to family members or whomever).
Does social media factor into your fatigue?
List all of the good things that you get out of being online. Maybe even spend this week noticing how much of the good you’re getting–what portion of the content you consume is legitimately helpful?
Do you follow a lot of people whose actions/decisions make you uncomfortable or upset during the pandemic?
Can you remove some of the unnecessary noise from your digital life?
Go clean your room or whatever corner of your abode that has been stressing you out. Set a timer for 15-20 minutes and just get to it. Cleaning can often help with mindfulness and give you control over the things in your life which are actually yours to control.
List 5 things that are worth living for. Or 5 things that you want to see/do in the future. Just dream a lil’ ~ see where it takes you and how these things help you get through hard times.
List 10 things you're good at and how those can contribute to the world you wish to see. Come back to this list as often as you need and even practice an activity on it when you’re feeling defeated.
I think it’d be juvenile to tell you to spend this week noticing your endurance levels, fatigue, etc. We’re all fucking tired, confused, defeated, and every beaten-down adjective in between. But hopefully/maybe this essay and prompts can give you a little room to notice what keeps you going, helping you to endure all that is maddeningly out of (y)our control, and what we/you can do next to make sure this sort of mass-distress from government neglect doesn’t happen again.
