january: forgiveness
monthly theme: [endurance]
Sometimes endurance has to mean prioritizing. To get by and survive hard times, sometimes we can’t do all that we think we “should” be doing. There are so many topics and ideas that I’ve had to let go while writing Year of Healing each week. It has been a process of accepting that, “good and on the blog is better than perfect and in Google Drive.” If only all of our bosses would be able to grasp such a concept…
This month I really wanted to talk about “resilience” and all of the beautiful tweets and infographics about how “being resilient” can be weaponized against a society to endure trauma. So too, forgive me if anything I wrote this month came off as applauding resilience for sake of the economy. And sure, surviving such difficult times deserves recognition, but there’s something maladaptive about using our hardships as trophies.
It’s like the busy and competitive students who brag about what little sleep they’re getting–Academia burnt me out 3 separate times during my 17.5 years in it so I know that sacrificing your body and mind is not something to be proud of. It’s a grotesque symptom of our culture’s unhealthy attachment to work and the broken systems built to make sure we all believe that sleeping less and producing more is somehow morally superior to taking a fucking break.
What are the things we can be proud of in the name of enduring this pandemic? For one, I’m proud that I’m still emotionally moved by all of the grief and destruction we’ve witnessed this year. It still hits me heavily and, for me and my world, that is better than becoming numb.
I am proud that I’ve been able to remain relatively kind and caring toward other people. I know this past month I’ve definitely had to work harder to show up like that, so you know what, I’m proud that I’ve accepted other people’s care, kindness, and grace too! It’s not always easy or comfortable to accept support when you know everyone else is going through it too, but I’ve been shouldering the weight of everything with my loved ones. We’ve been keeping in touch and staying soft and that is a huge feat.
Another part of this forgiveness is the freedom you give yourself to admit when it feels like you can no longer endure. You didn’t fail because the world got too heavy. Breaking down and tapping into all of the feelings of, “this is all a bit too much right now,” can be powerful, healing, and guide you toward the next best thing you can do for you and your future self.
Of course, I’d like to note that there are feelings and circumstances in life and in our bodies that feel so overwhelming that we need some professional assistance to manage those changes. I just stumbled upon this Grief Deck with some helpful tools and access to resources like grief counseling and the suicide hotline.
What facet of this essay rings true to you? Where do you need to extend forgiveness/acceptance in your process of surviving an atrocious pandemic? Do you need to forgive and relieve yourself of the narrative that “resilience” is an incredible aspiration with no harmful underbelly of trauma? Or can you forgive yourself for any shame regarding all of the complex feelings that inevitably arise during a 2 year span with a deadly virus and government inaction?
Maybe even, can you extend this compassion you’re gathering for yourself to those around you? Even if they’ve handled the pandemic completely in opposition to you and your beliefs, can you admit that their denial could be the only way that they can endure? I honestly hate to think of it– I want to be angry. I want someone to blame.
But blame can delay acceptance of reality in hopes that by shaming others, their actions will change. This idea is really hard for me to incorporate into my understanding of “what is” since the whole reason we’re still up a creek without a paddle entering the 3rd calendar year of a pandemic is due to the lack of accountability by anyone with the power to distribute helpful, life-saving resources and information.
There have been so many failures witnessed this year. From the top down and the bottom up. It seems as if no one had the proper support during this time of upheaval and therefore was unwilling or unable to support the changes required to make it through the pandemic safely. So now we’re all here, like one of those tables held up only by the tension of its own materials, waiting to be relieved, reinforced, or fall apart completely.
We just want a break–some sense of normalcy, ease, or safety, but that’s not the decision that’s been made for us. That’s not what our actions are allowing for us, collectively. I don’t have to tell you how upsetting, overwhelming, and tiring all of this is because you’re living it every single day. And it’s now incredibly easy to think, “what’s the fucking point anyway? Everyone else is just doing what they want…”
It can be hard to endure discomfort and distress when we think no one else is on our side. And it has been very easy since March 2020 to believe that we are alone in our view of “what is safe” these days…
Some fear–the kind that inspires us to be cautious–can be helpful, but it can also spiral out of control, leaving the task of endurance to feel outright impossible. I have been there many times these past 2 years… But every time, I have found some reason to endure. Sometimes, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to those around me, but often a simple, “well, why not?” or, “what else would I be doing?” gets me through the day.
We just gotta keep taking it all one day at a time, one interaction, one email, one smile to a stranger, one breath at a time. Forgive yourself for trying to do anything more than just endure.