february: forgiveness
monthly theme: [imagination]
As I try to get over the fact that this essay, this last essay of Year of Healing, “has to” somehow say all of the things I forgot to say this year, or leave us all on some higher note than when we started, I’m contemplating the intersection of imagination and forgiveness. Typically, this last week’s essay is about how to give yourself compassion and grace in regards to the monthly theme. And we’ll get to that; but also I think when we’re apologizing or being apologized to, we often forget the ways in which imagination is at play in forgiveness and healing.
But imagination is present in healthy guilt (the feeling where you know you did something wrong and are inspired to take accountability for your actions while attempting to reduce the harm you’ve caused). And on the other end of the apology exchange, sympathy and compassion take a bit of extrapolating from reality–we imagine what it would be like to be the one who was harmed by our own actions or carelessness. Now of course this is a rudimentary understanding of it all and hopefully, as adults, we don’t have to worry about being next in the line of harm to see that it should be stopped.
All month long I’ve been talking about how imagination helps us to see that present actions and future outcomes don’t have to follow the same formula as what we’ve experienced in the past. To forgive ourselves and our neighbors requires a similar flex of the imagination muscle. Implementing grace requires us to imagine/believe that the actions presently causing harm will be avoided in the future and remedied at the nearest appropriate opportunity.
Let’s just take the American prison system for example. In the summer of 2020, when factions of us were yelling “abolish prisons/the police,” many others couldn’t imagine a safe world without these institutions. And an even larger number wouldn’t even dare to think about a world where such violent systems have become unnecessary. Now I don’t mean to lose you here if you don’t believe in abolishing the prison system or the police, so please hang in here–this is ultimately about imagination, afterall.
meditation checkpoint lol
Can we imagine new forms of accountability, forgiveness, and rehabilitation (or rather, repairing and reinforcing communal bonds)? I remember that summer of 2020, a lot of my friends were talking about “abolishing the cop inside your head.” That little voice that reacts with complaints about petty inconveniences brought on by trying to fully control the same spaces/resources as people with different needs or backgrounds than your own.
Which leads me to a tangent on our needs… Why do we believe that our needs or comfort take priority over everyone else’s in specific spaces? And also, I’ve noticed a Puritanical pattern of hardly ever recognizing our needs or asking for them to be met until we see someone else–someone we were told shouldn’t have their needs met–being comfortable and cared for.
Misery not only loves company, but misery dictates that anyone else’s joy and stability robs us of those opportunities. It is a false belief grounded in the myth of scarcity. Imagine a world where that line of thinking was not the norm. Imagine where we would be if all the hard-ass dads could voice their needs and emotions in a healthy way rather than cussing people out. Imagine prioritizing community over competition.
I don’t know if these men mean any harm. I don’t even think that violence is inherently human. I believe violence has become a learned reaction from generations denying their needs and desires–the wisdom and inklings that scream out from within the body, going unvoiced and bottled up, overflow into deep resentments. A parable for this is when I was working at a cafe and a CBD shop was opening next door. A handful of older white men would make comments about it to me as if CBD was a little too close to we*d (lol).
I would kindly explain that topical CBD has done wonders for me (I had arthritis and so did they). To which they’d complain that they never felt any relief from the CBD creams their granddaughters had given them. And this is when I would share my secrets of self compassion– “I know what you’re saying. When I lather it on like icy hot, I don’t really feel a lot of benefits. But when I take the time to massage the CBD cream into my joints and really sit with the sensations in my body, it is much more effective than any other pain treatment I’ve ever used before.”
Their faces always softened–slightly shocked, but ultimately relieved to have the permission to touch themselves with kindness and venerate their own pain. Sure, I might be projecting here, but each one of them told me, “Well, that’s a good idea. I might try that.” Seemingly the men couldn’t have imagined being gentle to themselves. It is dangerous for men to imagine their own healing and somehow safer for a younger woman to lead them to it.
Where would we be as societies, cultures, families, and business organizations if we could all tap into what our bodies need? That’s what I like to imagine most…and to me, that is forgiveness. Body work, massages, taking walks, and meditating are apologies to the body. They re-regulate our nervous systems that get shaken and traumatized just on our way to work (think about it on your next commute when someone cuts you off or yells at you on the train).
Forgiveness is imagination. Imagination is forgiveness. The ideas of retribution and justice only exist in reality by how we define them in our minds. What I’m saying is our justice system only looks and acts like that because a small, privileged group set it up to be this way. We’ve hardly ever tried to imagine any other possibility… And if our societal systems look like violent systems of isolation and disconnection, then it would make logical sense for our internal systems to easily follow suit.
Abolish the police in your head. The cruel voices that not only judge those around you without knowing their full story or their needs, but that also box you into a tiny cement corner with a metal toilet and say you’re not allowed to ask for a better, more compassionate world. This is why the crossroads of imagination and forgiveness are dangerous, they open up doors to unconditional love and grace. These are the building blocks to interdependence and peace–to know what we need, ask for it freely, and give to each other (with ease and without strings) the surplus that we have available.
Maybe I’m trying to do a bit too much with this last essay here, but I just cannot fathom living through the past 2 years, witnessing all of the destruction, negligence, and cruelty that we’ve seen from each other and our government(s) and not come to such radical conclusions. And I don’t even necessarily mean “politically radical.” I mean radical as in a 180 degree shift of how we once saw the world and processed how and why things happen the way that they do.
Imagination requires us to think. Forgiveness begs us to feel. Our culture doesn’t like when we think or feel; we’re told to keep our heads down, our needs/desires unspoken and unmet, and our money spent on things to fill the voids now present in our heads and chests. Again, I’m sorry if this feels too dramatic, but I just can’t get used to the fact that millions of people have died of a virus we know how to contain, and yet we as a social group run by a government have decided we can’t be inconvenienced by precautions any more.
I want to say that I don’t know how we could’ve possibly come to such disheartening conclusions, but I think and I feel too deeply and frequently to pretend any of this comes as much of a surprise. I am still shaken to my core with disappointment, but the wisdom from my body and my soul helps me to continue on imagaining what beauty could possibly be next.
Thank you for spending this year healing with me.
I love you so much.