december: notice
monthly theme: [celebration]
The biggest thing I’ve had to notice recently is the way in which my seasonal depression has evolved this year. It seems like the opposite of celebration to hold my deepening sadness and grief, but it’s where I’m at and I think I need to honor that.
I notice how hard it’s been to write about celebrating, about joy and love when I’m feeling so disconnected. As I steer into this skid so that I may make it out, the idea of celebration becomes as thwarted as my grasp on reality. I’ve been choosing to disconnect which has added a completely new perspective to this exploration of celebration. I could never glamorize seasonal depression, but I can admit that the tools I have now to make it through such a time are paying off.
And what should be celebrated, anyway? Last week I talked about the fortitude it takes to get through a deadly pandemic as a reason to put something on the party docket. But this week could be a good time to take stock of what you celebrate, when, and why. What do the holidays mean to you? From Th*nksgiving to the winter solstice all the way to New Year’s Eve–what do these festivities represent to you and do your annual rituals actually embody this intention?
But of course I don’t just want this to be about the holidays–there are so many other reasons to celebrate and they all deserve our intentions and attention during this time of reflection. If our celebratory rituals aren’t fulfilling us then why do we keep enacting them?
If that drink after work with friends leaves you emotionally and physically hungover, is it really celebrating anything at all or is it just repeating an easy pattern that solves a short-term problem, denying anything deeper? Maybe even start by defining what celebrations mean to you, because for some people it might include some shedding of energy or health. For me, it has to be replenishing. I cannot wake up the next morning exhausted and feel as if any celebration was actually accomplished.
But that’s just me and some of the things I’ve noticed about what celebrating means to me. I still haven’t found all of my answers, nor the ability to fully relax and enjoy utter frivolity for its own sake, but I am on the journey, I am expanding my awareness around meaningful celebrations (or lack thereof).
This essay so far has felt like… “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to,” and I think there’s some wisdom in that as well. Maybe what we need to integrate our lived experiences is crying and rejoicing. A balanced breakfast of human emotions. Which reminds me a bit of the solar returns that we call birthdays…
I’ve been more aware and yet disconnected for my past 4 birthdays. Each one has felt strange and integral. I’ve been dissociative yet grounded. Confused and clear. But overall, I’ve just been accepting of the full strangeness that accompanies the aging process from your early to mid twenties. I took note of what was coming up, what made me feel dissatisfied or lonely, and then I’d tell myself that I’d make an effort to remedy such a thing as I grew into this next year of my life.
On my 23rd birthday, not many folks showed up, and I was a little confused by those who did. It was, of course, upsetting and unsettling, but I found some joy in this truth being revealed to me. I turned to my best friend and said that this year, I would focus on making friendships that I could truly rely on. I promised myself to be vulnerable enough to let people in who would want to celebrate with me next year.
And as the 365 days passed, I forgot I’d set out on this quest, but looking around at my 24th birthday, my best friend leaned over to me and said, “Remember what you asked for last year? It really looks like you have it now.”
Neither year was “better” or “worse” than the other. It was all just information about how I was seeing the world and deciding to move through it. I bring all of this up just because birthdays are such a personal and self-centering “holiday” in which it’s easier to notice our unique growth points and pitfalls. Viewing solar celebrations through this lens has taken a lot of pressure off the parties that I’ve thrown and the expectations I have for mid-April.
Again, all of this is just my perspective and my journey with “noticing celebrations” and I really wish I had something more universal–something wiser to add. But I think that’s the beauty of these weeks of “noticing.” The heavy lifting is not on me, but rather on you to set out on your own exploration of what the theme means to you and what that brings up for you personally.
Maybe birthdays are a good place for you to start noticing, or that line about being exhausted by drinks with friends really stuck out. Whatever comes up, don’t judge it–I think that’s the only rule in this Year of Healing–is to not judge what emotions come up, but rather accept them. Meet yourself wherever you’re at and know that you can (and will) keep going in a direction of your choosing.
Of course, that’s easier said than done… but this is the week of noticing, afterall, we can get into the nitty gritty of followthrough next week as we work to align our intentions with our lived experience of celebrations. And this week, if you’re crying at your own party, that’s totally fine, just maybe journal about it and notice what you’re feeling and why.